Now that 2014 is here and everybody seems to have made a New Year’s resolution but me, I guess it might be time to jump on the band wagon (even though I’m already ten days behind). Considering 2013 was actually, now that I look back on it, a really shitty year, my only resolution for this coming year is to make it a good one.
Lately, I don’t know what has come over me. I have been so struck with nagging and bitching about all the negative things in my life that I haven’t really stopped to see that it has only defied everything I have built myself on. Yes, things get rough and shit happens but really? What happened to you, lady? What was so terrible in 2013 that literally made you forget who you are? Not really forget, but just lose it a little bit. I did go through quite a lot which honestly, is nothing new. So, time to take a stance (again, better late than never) and change things.
Recently I sat down to dinner with my best friend and she made a rather funny, but true, comment. She said to me, “Steph, sometimes you’ve got to stop trying to juggle so many things. Why do you take on so much at once? What are you trying to prove to yourself because God knows you’ve already proved it to everyone else?” I told her that I needed to make something of myself and I needed to show myself that I really could do anything that I wanted. But the more I actually thought about it, the more I began to wonder if she was right.
Why am I doing all of this? Yes, I love what I do but am I doing it to prove a point to myself or to keep myself busy so I don’t have to deal with reality? Honestly, what even is my reality anymore? Since I left the states and come back a million times, I seem to not know how to live my life in Minnesota without a grumble all the time. Why can’t I be happy with my time here?
Sometimes it really makes me feel terrible and like a horrible person because I don’t see myself living here for the rest of my life. Hell, I barely seem to see myself living here for the meantime but what is stopping me from at least enjoying myself a little? I really need to learn to stop taking shit so seriously (as I seem to have liked to do lately) and just enjoy myself a little outside of my work. I am terrified that I am slowly turning into one of those “all for work” kind of people and I will be damned if that ever happens to me.
Over the years I have worked so hard to find myself and become this amazing, young, inspiring being and yet lately, all I seem to do is bring shit storms on the people I love because I’ve become so headstrong about accomplishing everything I possibly can. Helllloooo!!! Wake up girl. I walk around here like I’m some kind of flipping zombie that has never lived before.
Yeah, we are all different. I am different from my family and my friends and all the people I care about but isn’t that why we all love each other? Because our differences make us whole? Isn’t that why my best friends keep me sane as I keep them sane? I think it’s time for me to put my big girl pants on and start acting like I am part of this planet and not some alien (ha! Dad I know you thought you were funny telling me I was an alien all my life!).
Sometimes I am pretty sure I seclude myself from those I love on purpose. But for what? Shit, I don’t even know. I keep saying I am so busy and I have this and that and blah blah. Stephanie, stop making excuses for your shit attitude and start doing something about it.
Time to reel those girlfriends in of yours and make a party. It’s time to start enjoying these last few months you have with your family before you’re off on yet another adventure and time to start making changes.
My mentor told me recently that I need to find a hobby and I really think I agree with her. I don’t know what that hobby will be yet but maybe my loved ones who are reading this can help me. Please? Sometimes I really think it is best to actually listen to other people’s opinions about you once in a while. So have at it. I’m taking 2014 in my own hands and I am going to start being more conscious of my actions to the ones that I love. For all those who dealt with my wrath this past year, I apologize till dinos come back to age and I am open to hear everything and anything you all have to say.
So, till the dinos come back.
All my love,