It has been quite a long time since I have felt like this. Normally, when I find myself stressed out I am able to accept whatever is happening, use my yoga practice, writing, music, or some other outlet, to endure whatever it is and release it for the Universe to take on. Recently however, these feelings of stress have taken me for such a spin that I haven’t been able to control much of anything. Even my yoga practice and meditation have not helped alleviate these feelings of drowning. Sometimes I wonder if I get so focused on finding the positive in every situation that I do not allow myself to feel the bad sometimes, too. I think it makes me lose sight of what it means to overcome situations. Of course, I have my daily struggles and everyone has those, but even those I haven’t been able to shake off. Usually I can find a way to brush it off and let whatever powers are out there take control. But lately, nothing is working so I am just going take these bad feelings, endure them like a normal human being, and move along.
I have just moved back to Europe (which is something I have craved ever since I left) and I unexpectedly have been having raging feelings of homesickness, serious financial issues due to my own lack of financial management, and even sadness from distance of someone I think I truly care about. All these things, on top of the stress of being back at school and in a totally different educational system that I am not used to, have made me slowly start to lose my mind. Yes, my head is still attached, how, I really don’t know. But I am ready for change to start taking place again and to get my head back to where it belongs. For one, I need to focus on myself, love myself. My baby sister, wise as she is, told me in a discussion about love that sometimes we just need to focus on the things we are doing and our own dreams and goals and love will fall in line. At times, I forget this. At times, I crave a companion that I think I try to force things without thinking about it. I can manage the majority of what is thrown at me but when it comes to that one thing, I’m like a lost little puppy. I know how to be independent and I know how to love myself, but letting someone else in and being patient enough to let what is natural happen, well that is beyond me. So, my first goal and dedication to myself is to find a way to let go and trust in what my life has in store for me. I must find a way to believe in the powers of the Universe, as I always do, and just let things happen how they are meant to. I was able to teach myself strict boundaries and develop patience through taking care of children for so many years. And I have been able to fully dedicate myself to my school work and my job. So, it is time to start teaching myself these things for my personal life. Have patience with yourself and find a way to forgive yourself when you screw up. It’s life. Sometimes it happens. What a shock!
On top of all this, being homesick is one thing I never would have expected. I have lived overseas for many years and done the moving back and forth thing even more times, so what changed? Really, I don’t think anything other than my location did. I find myself in a new place and am learning to make a life here all over again. Living in Zurich is different. I have a life established there. I have family and amazing friends there and it is my comfort zone outside of Minnesota. But living in Germany, this is new to me. I have made some amazing friends thus far, but I do not have an amazing mentor/sister figure here to guide me when I am losing my mind caused by my own thought-process. Here I must find a way to do it all on my own, again. I have been taking my yoga practice into serious account and am actually starting to find relief within myself through my practice. I am learning new things about me and letting certain pain and heartache go. I am finding a way to change. Slowly, but surely it will happen.
My drinking, well that has been another issue. All my friends here like to drink so much. It obviously is not healthy for me so my next goal … find the willpower. I need to dedicate my actions to being healthy and staying away from the one thing that makes me lose complete control of myself. I am stronger than that. I am better and I have better things waiting for me when I am not consumed by alcohol. So, find other sources. Find a way to be strong enough to go out with your friends and not drink. Find the power within yourself to overcome this. You have fought stronger addictions so this should be nothing different than a little shift in your thoughts and actions. This will also help with the homesickness. Drinking enhances your emotions and obviously when that happens all this stress is magnified. Hello girl. Stop what triggers this shit. You will never change if you do not put the effort and work needed to make the change. Forgive yourself. Everybody makes mistakes. If you slip, stand up and try again. Consistency will make new habits but if you cannot forgive yourself you will fall into a hole. Get up and move on.
As for your financial situation, sometimes this is out of your hands but most of the time, it is your stupid behavior that makes this so stressful. You want to financially be okay? Pay attention, practice dedication and restraint and you will be fine. If there is something you want, but can’t afford to do, find something else to do. Sometimes we can’t all do what we want. Sometimes we can’t all live within the same means of our friends. You must dream outside your limits but live within, at times. Right now is one of those times. Study hard, be financially smart, and focus on bettering your mind. You will be fine, just take care of yourself. Find your balance again and keep moving. Life is not so hard, especially when you find your positive ways. Here’s to change. Here’s to something new and here’s to growing and overcoming.